i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
people are starting to question the shark bite story
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
