She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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