i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
