omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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