This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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