My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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