I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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