woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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