Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
All the doctor said was why
Randomize
