Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
