Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
