got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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