You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
