I only kidnapped one of them. chill
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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