I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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