You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Randomize
