Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
