I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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