All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
