Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Randomize
