Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Two words: blizzard sex
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
