Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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