Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
