yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
