he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
