At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Randomize
