i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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