I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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