Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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