i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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