Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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