I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
you mean i was at the winter classic?
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
