Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Randomize
