i permit you to call me
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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