Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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