I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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