I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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