I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Randomize
