I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
