last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
