i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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