I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
