Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
In America we eat man semen.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
