I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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