Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
