You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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