Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Randomize
