I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Randomize
