Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
