Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
